I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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