Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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