I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
