There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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