I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Soap is not a condiment
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
