can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
