Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it hurts more in the daytime
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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