Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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