dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
