is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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