Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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