You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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