best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
