We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
