as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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