we're chasing vodka with high fives
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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