During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
