Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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