do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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