The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
