sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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