I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
