I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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