this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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