He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
where are you?
Hypothermia
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
