So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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