The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
