"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
