Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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