After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
