When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
