I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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