my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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