the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
