new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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