Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
