I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
