Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
