your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
