I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
