My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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