If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
