Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
40s are totally the cure
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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