if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
