I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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