The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
