I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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