I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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