I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she told me i tasted like america
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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