just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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