I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
is wine microwaveable?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So vagazzling was a success
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
