I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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