omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
