I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
